im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
