Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
