Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
