Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
