she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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