I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's the barista slut.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
