you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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