today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
