I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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