Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
