eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
