Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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