Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
