Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Screwed.edu
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
