feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
