Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
