The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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