need another drink. this is the easiest way
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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