My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
