Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
