If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
