Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
