Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
