so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
