It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
