Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
