maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
