I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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