Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
