Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
