Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
