God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
