you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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