Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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