i would punch a child for taco bell
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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