I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
