capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
