just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
