coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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