I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
