Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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