I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
