There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can you bring me the toilet please
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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