you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
