Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
