You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
