got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
