i need an iv and a liver transplant
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
