We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
