your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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