There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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