Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
