She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
