so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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